I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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