yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
