i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
