It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
