i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
