Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
