Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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