had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
