Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it's great music for shaving your balls
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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