The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
