sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
