I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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