I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
