I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
