Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
