Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
