that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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