Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
