Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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