i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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