we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
