I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
