Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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