Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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