Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
