Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
