im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
