Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
