he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
this will be a night to untag.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
