Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
