i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
