I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
