Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
