I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I need to align my fucking chakras
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
