Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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