Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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