I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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