1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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