How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
