I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
