it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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