god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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