There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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