I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
