i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
