It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
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