I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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