Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
