Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
