I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
